Super unedited, chaotic story of my life

Today's journal is going to be a little different, and I am going to be talking about my journey where I started, where I got lost, where I was depressed, heartbroken, in love, happy, and finally feeling content with my life. You know it's not easy being so young and having to deal with many things that are happening to me. Still, I am grateful that I am able and that I have amazing people in my life to support me and get me through my rough times, even if they are not on my side or agree with my actions. 

College is not easy: 

My life really started to take a turn for me during my freshman year of college. I always struggled with anxiety, but I never really knew how depression felt, I often mistaken it for sadness, but they are completely different things. Sadness is just being sad over something little that does not last long, but depression is different. It takes control over your life mentally and physically. It can last more than a month. That's normally when they diagnose it if an episode lasts that long. I had an amazing freshman year. Do not get me wrong, I had a wonderful roommate and amazing friends, but something, you know, just was not right. I do not really remember the exact times, but I just started to not feel like myself I could not get out of bed, I could not go a day without thinking of something negative about myself or about the world, I could not eat, and I could not stop crying I would go every single day with at least a few tears falling down my face. I did not know why I felt hurt and betrayed by my self I did not know why I could not get myself out of bed, and why I could not control how I was feeling. Even though I had amazing people in my life supporting me and telling me that it was going to be okay, it did not feel okay. It was never about a person or something I experienced. My brain was just very chemically imbalanced; my medicine was not working, and I was depressed. Sure, there are things that happened in my life that year that definitely could have added to the sadness, but it was not anyone's doing. It was not mine either; sometimes, that's just the way of life. 

I went home from college for approximately three months. I still did my work online and somehow pulled f****** A and B for my classes. When I was home for those three months, I was talking to several different therapists. I was being taken off my meds and put back on them I was withdrawing from Lexapro. It caused me to have the most absurd thoughts in the whole world, and even though I never planned and never wanted to hurt myself, it does not mean I did not think about it (btw this is super normal and don’t let people make you feel like an insane person, most people have these thoughts and if they don’t they are weird). 

The Corn Story:

I remember a specific day when my parents were talking to me about how maybe I should go away for treatment, but I did not want to do that I could not bear being away from people that I love and support me. I just knew that that was not right for my situation so somehow I got my way out of it, but I still went to therapy and got a few new social workers. I was placed on sertraline which I am still on, and I am doing a lot better. It has me really in touch with my emotions these days, but I do not think that's a bad thing it's kind of cool knowing what I want and what I need to be honest with myself. After a few months of freshman year and all the craze went by, I was diagnosed with OCD. There are five types of it but I was diagnosed with the Crazy unrealistic intrusive thoughts side of it. It was never easy I mean, I had no idea what I was in for, and I would think the most bizarre things ever, like all of sudden I was scared of corn, and I was scared of train tracks, and people laughed at me, but it's like I just was not mentally there and I couldn’t control my mind. It almost feels like a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other except that the devil always won.  The devil told me I was scared of it and that it could become a nightmare and that's all. There's no cure for it. You kind of have to overcome it by yourself. It's been three years, and I still cannot get over corn... I mean it's gotten better, but it's terrifying that my OCD is still winning and there's nothing I can do about it. However,  I did get over my train fear of the train tracks I don’t know why I was afraid of them, but one day I felt in control and powerful and said to myself, “You just got to get over them, Ellie you just gotta do it”, and I did and I exposed myself to my fear, but that was important to do so that I know I am capable of being brave. It's funny because, you know if someone were in my shoes and was saying that they're scared of corn and train tracks, I'd probably laugh a little, but now that I am that person and I do have those fears, it's not funny, I just can’t control it. There are more things that happened to me freshman year, but I just do not think it's appropriate to talk about them right now and I wish I could, but it is not something that should be put on the Internet.

(This parts chaos)

DISCLAIMER:

Then hit freshman year Oh just kidding sophomore year I'm losing my thoughts right now honestly and I'm not even typing this out I'm doing voice memo on my Google Docs so that I could just let all my feelings out and it won't even matter you know I kind of realize with my blog it's a safe place, you know? I'm not trying to earn money I'm not trying to earn subscribers I just want people to hear my story and to take maybe a piece of it with them. I hope I can change their life or help them even by hearing random strangers' stories. I realized that everything that I talk about is real and it's raw and it's never something I should hide people are always like  “Fix Your Grammar” or “Do this do that to your writing” and I'm just like I ain't doing this for anyone else I'm doing it for myself I don't care about grammar I don't care about how the sentence should be formatted like I'm just telling you guys the real truth and my real feelings and that should not be edited. In my opinion, if you have trouble reading this or you feel like it's just one long sentence that's because it is I guess. 

Sophomore year:

From 2022 to 2023 sophomore year you know this year is better, but I was still struggling a lot with myself. I miss the person I was a long time ago, and I tried everything in my power to use my old habits and get a part of that piece of me back. It just does not work that way, you cannot just go back to how it was, you cannot take something from your past and make it a part of your present. I did not really realize that until my junior year of college, but you learn and you live. This year was not really about my mental health, it's about my physical health, and what happened to me towards the end of the school year. I was having terrible health issues my stomach was in knots, and my head was filled with blurs I'd run to the bathroom, I'd have a heat flash with excruciating pain, and then I'd faint, and this happened over and over again.

Summertime chronicles:

When I was home for the summer, I was at five doctors each week getting tested on trying to figure out what the f*** is wrong with me if you are wondering if we know we do not. We just assume things, and we make up things that doctors have told us, but we do not know if they're true. I was diagnosed with SIBO, which is a minor intestinal bacterial overgrowth infection. I was diagnosed with it a few times and was put on antibiotics for it. Still, the problem is I cannot be on antibiotics because they have essentially destroyed my whole gut after being on antibiotics for five straight years as a kid who has an immune deficiency and a nasal polyp disease. I was in and out of the Children's Hospital with many immunologists and doctors when I was younger, and although the treatments helped me short term, it affected me in the long time. After all these stomach doctors, I was put on a lot of medicine and supplements. It was hard to keep track, but eventually, I stopped some of them because where was too much on my body. That probably was not a good idea, but it also just did not feel the right to be on so many medications at once and just let it deteriorate my body. I just was not ready to lose myself again and endure so much pain. 

3rd year:

As I entered my junior year of college, which is the present day, I was watching what I ate, making sure I was not eating things that made my tummy upset, and I was also always making sure to take care of myself and accommodate my needs. I missed a few important events with my sorority because of my stomach at the beginning of the school year. Although I could have pushed through some of them, I know that if I were too hard on myself, it would not be good in the long term, so I made sure to take as many breaks as possible so that I could fully heal my body. It is almost December of my junior year of college, and this is probably the healthiest I have ever been. But I can also say that this is the happiest I have been. I am so content with life, and I am so happy, I have learned that being independent and learning to be with yourself and hang out with yourself alone is really important, especially when you are a young adults. I have taught myself so many new things, and I have learned so much about myself. I feel like I am no longer looking for something from my past I am seeing the future now, and I feel I am healing and becoming a better person every day. I'm never going to be the person I was last week, last year, or two days ago because each day, I have grown and learned, and I'm mature in life. 

I'm just really grateful to be here and to have experienced everything that I've gone through, especially at such a young age, because it's taught me to be resilient and strong and to keep pushing and moving forward. I believe that in life, we must stay humble with ourselves because we all make mistakes, and we all feel guilty or like we've been stabbed in the back, but if we do not own up to our mistakes and be honest with ourselves, then we will never grow as people. The day I accepted my wrongdoings and learned to take those and fix the wrongs I felt grown. I owned up to my mistakes and tried my best to do better as a human and handle my emotions best. I just learned to be the bigger person and forgive but not forget.

A New Beginning:

It's crazy though that after all these years, I don't even recognize the person I was two years ago I don't even recognize the person I was over the summer, and it's tough for me to explain and express my feelings to people that I've known forever because I'm not the person they've grown to know and it's challenging to share my past wrongings and my experiences even with the people I grew up with because they don't know the new me they only know the old me. I am not the same person I was I built confidence, and I'm brutally honest sometimes, but I do not like to be lied to I don't like secrets, and if something needs to be done or something needs to be said I'm going to say it because people will never know how you're feeling if you don't tell them and you can't expect that from them.