A summer of healing
Where I am now is a lot different than where I was two months ago, two weeks ago, and two days ago. I’m at a point where I no longer feel the lingering sadness or the terrors of not knowing when the monster inside me will unleash. Always being put on high alert getting ready to control the next depressive episode or anxiety attack. I waited patiently for the next time life would throw a challenge at me. I stayed in my comfort zone and learned that it’s ok to make an appearance out of it. If you were to have talked to the girl I was a few months ago I would say I was “better” just “better” than the day before, doing “better” after a depressed intrusive thought. Although I wasn’t “better,” I was fighting every day through my demons. I was learning how to cope with anxiety attacks.
I became aware of when my OCD would spring. I used to ghost my therapist, sleep through classes, cry day to night, and had my parents come up multiple times just to be with me. If you had to ask me what the hardest thing is, it would be leaving college for three months to find myself. I was in a constituent trance or at least that's what It felt like. I don’t remember most days being home beside the hunt to find a good therapist or learning that I was diagnosed with OCD and depression. I remember the days when I fought so hard to the point of exhaustion. But then I think back and realize how immensely strong I was to persevere through the challenges. I took every bad day and realized that the “bad thing” was just a moment in time that doesn't define my whole day.
If you were to ask me where I’m at now I would tell you that I’m healing and that I have made so much progress in myself. I would say I am unbothered by the stares and loud mouths of people. I am unbothered by the ones who judge my life, who have never even lived it. I am unbothered by the friends who push my feelings aside to be selfish for themselves. I protect my feelings at all costs. I refuse to let people walk all over me and play the victim. I see what is and isn’t important which allows me to move forward. I’m at a place where someone can tell me I am pretty and with pure self-respect and confidence say “I know” this version of me isn’t new, it just improved and matured for the better. I realize how brave I was to recover from moments I thought I would never live through. I’ve let go of other people's thoughts and only focused on mine. In my opinion, there's a difference between not caring and really not caring. It's called being carefree, not careless. I care about the kind of sister, daughter, and friend I am. I make sure to reconnect and mend friendships. I like closure because It signifies what's real and what is not in the situation or relationship. I make sure to check in on the people who are the happiest and saddest. You know we are human beings with feelings no matter how big or small. I've noticed that I can enjoy the smallest things now. Recently, I was on a drive and the sun was shining and I was like “wow life is beautiful” I got the most genuine feeling of pure happiness, and that’s when I knew I had healed so much.
Sometimes there are moments when the sun shines on us so bright It feels as though we are melting as if the feeling is so hot and crisp we can not seem to push through. Then sometimes after a rainy day a rainbow that signifies hope and resilience appears. As long as we are honest with ourselves and let ourselves feel every emotion we will begin to see a positive outcome. Sometimes just showing up or walking that extra mile and standing your ground is a sign of courage. You always make it through. No matter what. So stop beating yourself up. Stop trying to be perfect. I'm not. you’re not. None of us are.
