The truth

Embedded in my brain so traumatic that I’m numb, I don’t think about it, but when I’m being questioned, I freeze of uncomfortability. It’s so traumatic that I choose not to think about it because of the way it made me feel but the way it makes me feel is something I shouldn’t hide and keep to myself it’s something I should share. I’m pretty open on my blog. I express my feelings like it’s my diary and I enjoy it because I know it helps other people and it helps me. I ghosted my therapist because my blog is my therapy it’s how I cope and it’s how I express my emotions. This situation has been eating me up for the past three months and in all honesty, I’m not that I’m thrilled to be sharing this story but I know that it may help my healing process and it may make me feel better about everything that’s going on. I don’t really expect people to fully understand but I do hope that when I share the story it helps people and it teaches others not to judge or even question how bad someone’s year was when they directly talk to you about it. Frankly, we all may experience the same things but react differently. I also expect people to have respect for my story and not ask me questions because honestly I don’t want to talk to you about it I just want this for myself and my blog and for the people that need to hear it. I’ve had a pretty rough year at college I’m not gonna lie like I said my mental health got worse. I was diagnosed with depression and OCD there are five stages of OCD and the one that I got diagnosed with was bizarre thoughts which also can indicate suicidal thoughts but while I was diagnosed with this I was also withdrawing off of Lexapro and onto Zoloft and Zoloft doesn’t kick in for about a month so during that time I was dead truly felt nothing and push so many people out of my life but I was lucky to have a really good support system and I’m so grateful for where I’m at today but my mental health is not the only thing I’ve learned from so much more that I’ve gone through. One night I was being a classic college kid and I invited a boy over to my dorm I didn’t think anything bad would come out of it because I knew of this boy prior because he is friends with some of my friends. But I was wrong. This year in March of 2022 on a random night I was sexually assaulted by a boy in a top frat. In all honesty, this truly isn’t shocking. I really didn’t even know how I pushed through this because during this time I felt helpless, worthless, and I felt like nothing. The only people that really knew about this were my school friends, parents, and my high school friend group. I didn’t really tell many people until summer but there are so many people that still don’t know. The day that I was actually assaulted I was messaged by somebody who told me I was being a bad friend and that my actions are not fair but at that time and in my eyes everything I was feeling was fair and my actions were valid. I know that they had no idea what I was going through but even the situation in itself made me seem to be the bad guy. So back to my story he came over and I really just wasn’t feeling it I was honestly pretty sad and depressed and I just don’t think it was the right time. I stopped what we were doing because I was on the verge of tears and he started swearing at me saying “fuck you ellie” or “you are a bitch” and yelling that I’m stupid. I was just like “you can leave now” and he said “no” and I didn’t know what to do I was freaking out and he kept asking me if we could continue and I said no and he was being very forceful and it kept trying to sneak his way back to me. During the time we were together not only was I verbally abused but I also was forced into something without consent I still have chills to this day I still feel that sense of worthlessness in me and I feel sick that people still consider him a friend. Nobody deserves to go through this, absolutely nobody. This is why I have trust issues, why I am feisty, and why I am so confrontational because I cannot stand to sit in silence and let something go on. I cannot stand to watch my friends hurt themselves and talk badly when they’re so much more than that. I cannot stand emotionally immature people because they are not trustworthy enough to be in my life. I’ve changed a lot since college and mainly because of this situation and because of what I went through the three months of being home. In no way would I change it though because I’ve learned so much about myself and who I am becoming as a person and what I need to do to help myself heal and make progress. Although, I do regret not telling the people when I was struggling how I felt about certain situations because those people who I don’t really consider part of my life anymore will never get to know my side of the story and will never get to understand where I was coming from and maybe things could’ve been better but at the same time if it’s meant to happen it will and it all happens for a reason. So with that statement I just got to keep doing what I’m doing in this moment. I know this might be triggering whether it’s happened to you or not and that’s valid and you are not alone. For the people that aren’t even going through this but are reading my story please be considerate to others as they are to you. Don’t look at one side of the story and don’t get involved in people’s business trust your intuition and what you should do as a friend. Lastly, what you see here’s the truth it’s real and because of that respectfully do not contact me about the situation do not ask me questions what is here for you is here.