How college changed me and my perspective on life.

I’ve been putting off writing for a few weeks now because I just don’t know how to form words. It’s not that I’ve gone through something drastic in my life that’s making me wanna hide from the world but it’s my mental health spiraling out of control again. I knew it was bad the last few weeks of college when I started having negative thoughts. I hid those thoughts and those emotions because I didn’t wanna deal with it and the people around me physically did not let me think like for more than 30 seconds. I’m grateful for them. Those are the kind of people I want in my life. The ones who make you forgot you even have a mental illness because they never make you feel alone and they’re right there with you and have been through the same type of thing. But when I got home I realized maybe my mom was right maybe Zoloft just isn’t the right fit. It shook me, the anxiety. I couldn’t decide if it was me PMSIng or if everything I had fought for was beginning to cripple. You know maybe it was a little of both but the emotions and the thoughts that I am feeling is nothing like period emotions. It’s not my birth control. It’s not even the chemical imbalance my brain. It’s that I’m back in my hometown that I love but my heart is not physically there. I mean my dad had to pick me up from the city at 9 PM at night from my friends birthday dinner because I couldn’t stop crying. I don’t know if it’s because I’m extraordinarily depressed or because I’ve changed so much as a person over the past year. I’m not the same as I used to be at all which is weird but I don’t hate it. I do hate that I feel oddly uncomfortable opening up my new self to people that have been in my life forever but I think that’s because my new self is far from what it used to be and it’s never going to be what it used to be again. I know I’d be accepted but I know I’m a lot different than my high school self. I enjoy spending time alone and staying in. I’m not as blindsided as I used to be. When I moved to Iowa my life really changed and I became more aware of peoples emotions and the way to treat people. I learned how to help people with anxiety and depression because those people helped me too. I learned that we may not all have the same beliefs or morals but we are still all people with feelings. It was a culture shock or you could say more of a religious shock. A Jewish girl who grew up in a very rich Jewish town moving to Iowa a republican, country, Catholic and Christian community. It was hard adjusting and made me question my religion. As I learned about my friends and community I became educated and I’m still continuing to learn. I wouldn’t take that culture shock back for the world because it made me grow and I grew a third eye. I learned that if you hurt me or a friend your life is probably ruined because I don’t like liars and I don’t like people that aren’t true to their friends whether you are super close or not. I know I’m feisty and may be a little petty but I don’t like being messed with or yelled at. I don’t like people that try to be above themselves. I know I used to be a little selfish but that’s because I had so much love for myself. I still do but I’ve also lost it when I lost my self to depression and anxiety aka when I was in a dark hole. My mental health really made me see so many different points of views. I have so much empathy for so many people. I don’t care but I care. I’ve just been battling so much recently and I feel lost. I stopped going to plans and not because I hate people but because I can’t be my truest self when I don’t know who I am either. So I distance myself but just because I need to find myself. To go on a little journey not only to work on my mental health but to get my creative and confident and Beautiful self back. I just need to take a step back and appreciate life because it’s absolutely precious and I am so grateful to be apart of it. To the people apart of my life, if you read this I love you guys and thank you for everything. Please don’t get short tempered with me if I’m on my phone and space out at plans because chances are I’m freaking out and trying to find a way to calm myself down. The thing about me though is I hate attention if I’m having a breakdown then leave me alone. If I feel like I’m about to go into an anxiety attack I shut down, fully shut down. If you ever see me holding my wrists it probably means I’m having an intrusive thought. If I ever go quiet it’s probably because I’m not feeling it anymore. Sometimes I get frustrated with the fact that nobody understands me but then I have to understand that I never got the chance to tell my story or express how I’ve been feeling. I know some of you haven’t been with me through my whole entire mental health journey but it’s OK because we’re all on different paths. I don’t know where this is going or if it’s even making it on the blog I’m just writing in my notes page because I need to let it out. I don’t expect people to understand, relate, or even know how to give the right advice because it’s really hard. Please understand that although I may have had a rough situation ship in the past and maybe you aren’t too fond of it please still respect my feelings. The things that person did for me was something I’ll probably never get from someone else for a while. I never told you guys the full story and I don’t really want to because I prefer not getting yelled at. But please know everything‘s OK and the things that person did for me I am forever thankful for and the fights we learned from them. It’s all good memories now so let’s let it be. The only way I can fully heal and get better is to be on a journey by myself. That does not mean that people can’t help me or give me tips but at the end of the day the only person that will give me the most love is myself. That is something I need to learn and that is something I need to work on and I will not stop until I get it.

My mom and old friends have always told me I am an emotionally mature person. If someone has wronged me I stand up for myself, always. If people have wronged my friends I stand by them and care. I learned in middle school that FOMO is stupid and that there is more to life than sitting in bed and feeling sorry for ourselves. College made e recognize that the casual nights in like playing games, laughing, watching movies, eating, crying, and dancing with my friends is way more precious and real then going to a frat party and making a foul of yourself. If people choose to go out every night I respect it but when they choose to be stupid and present themselves immaturely is where I draw the line. I am more of a stay in watch tv and do art kind of person. I don’t get FOMO because if I am happy and feeling good with myself then thats all that matters. I have become so aware of how to treat people and help individuals who are struggling with their own problems. We are all people with feelings and deserve to live the life we want for ourselves and not other people.

This summer I chose to stay home and help myself. I want to become more emotionally and physically healthy. I want to take a step back and appreciate everything in my life that I am grateful for. I want to reconnect with old friends. Most importantly I want to be a teacher for the people in my life and show them that even though they may be feeling depressed or anxious they are also resilient, strong, brave, and beautiful. This is simply a challenge that life throws at us and it’s up to us to fight through it. Allowing us to become our most purest and truest selves.